


Mentor For Hire

by arrafrost



Category: Deadpool (Comics), Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: M/M, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-29
Updated: 2017-03-29
Packaged: 2018-10-12 17:50:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10496361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arrafrost/pseuds/arrafrost
Summary: Peter finds a flier for a superhero mentor for hire but the credentials of the self-proclaimed superhero are questionable.





	

Peter stopped on his heels, rolling back as his eye caught on the bright red poster stapled haphazardly to the telephone pole next to him. 

 _“SUPERHERO MENTOR FOR HIRE! DEADPOOL’S THE NAME KILLING BADDIES IS THE GAME”_ followed in small print with: _“it’s actually not a game, it’s a job and a good thing to do”_ with even smaller print below: _“not actually a superhero or a mentor, any accidents or injuries in the field are not the fault of Deadpool please don’t sue me.”_

He reached out and tore down the poster, shoving it into his bag before carrying on down the street to the library where he was going to meet Gwen to study for their first ever college midterms.

***

“What is this?” Gwen asked when the flier fell out of his bag as he was pulling out his textbooks.

“Some poster I found on the way here. Someone’s gonna take that seriously and call that number and they’re going to get hurt.”

“Oh good.”

“What?”

“Well… he does kind of look like y-… _Spider-Man_.”

Peter raised his eyebrow, “I don’t think so.”

Gwen shoved the flier into his face. “Okay the red, yeah. The eyes, kind of. But everything else is a little much. Very different.”

“Like a buff version of _him_.”

“Hey I’m-” Peter lowered his voice and hissed, “we have got to stop having these conversations in public! I am plenty buff! I have a six pack!”

“Yes and he could fit your six pack on top of his ten pack.”

“That makes zero sense.”

“His muscles have their own muscles.”

“Stop drooling over a poster and let’s get to work. I didn’t take that poster for my own benefit, I didn’t take it because he looks like Spider-Man, I took it to keep more gullible people safe.”

Finally Gwen put the poster down but she was smirking, this knowing smirk like she was somehow smarter than he was - which she was but that was beside the point. “Whatever you say, Parker.”

***

Peter did not call the number. He didn’t.

No, he actually did not. Hence why he was so surprised to see the number from the flier pop up on his phone. Calling him.

He considered staring at his phone until the call went to voicemail. What kind of voicemail would this guy leave for him? How did he get his number? This made absolutely no sense. The phone stopped ringing, no voicemail alert came up, the phone started ringing again.

Against his better judgement, Peter answered the phone. “Hello?”

_“Hello there! We have gotten word that you are an up-and-coming superhero! Here at Deadpool Incorporated we are dedicated to giving the newbies proper training and advice before they start the valiant process of becoming their own fully fledged superhero!”_

The upbeat and peppy voice was already giving Peter a headache. “Um… I’m not. No.” Technically not a lie. “How did you get this number?”

_“Here at Deadpool Incorporated we value anonymity.”_

“Of course you do. Look, can you drop the fake customer service voice, it’s killing me.”

_“We are sorry, we do not understand the request. This is our voice.”_

“Oh good, you’re more than one person.”

_“Technically three! Shush!”_

Peter blinked in confusion even though he was glad the peppy voice was broken by a normal voice, “Am I talking to Deadpool right now?”

_“No, that would be silly!”_

“Okay, listen. I don’t know how you got this number but I’m not an ‘up-and-coming’ hero, I don’t need a mentor or hero lessons or whatever you’re trying to sell with your sketchy fliers. I’m going to hang up now.”

_“But-”_

Surprising himself, he actually ended the call. Gwen would be proud of-

Peter gritted his teeth. “Gwen.” He hit speed-dial two on his phone.

_“What would look better for my interview; my ‘maybe too formal’ black suit or my purple blouse with a pinstripe skirt and blazer?”_

“Did you give my phone number to that Deadpool thing?”

There was barely a pause before Gwen continued, _“Yeah, you’re right. Purple blouse is way better. Don’t want to come on too strong for this internship.”_

“Gwen.”

_“This way you can see if he’s the real deal.”_

“Gwen! I can’t… This is ridiculous. This is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever done to me.”

_“Oh please, I’m sure I’ve done worse.”_

Peter leaned back, banging his head against the wall. “He was putting on a fake phone voice, like an infomercial voice or a flight attendant.”

_“I googled him.”_

“You what?”

_“He’s only twenty-two.”_

“Gwen!”

_“The other heroes don’t like him much, though. He seems to get into quite a bit of trouble. Maybe you can mentor him.”_

“Okay, I believe the flier had it the other way around.”

_“It said he wasn’t actually a hero on the bottom and to not sue him. He needs help, Pete.”_

“You got that right.”

_“See? It all works out.”_

“One day you’re gonna fall off a building and I’m not gonna save you.”

_“Don’t be so dramatic. Now go make a date with your badass look-a-like. Bye bye!”_

Peter threw his phone across the room only to catch it with a web before it hit the wall. He couldn’t afford a new phone right now.

The phone had seven new text messages when he pulled it back over to him. All from Deadpool.

“Why does my life have to be so complicated?”

***

After a week of dodging Deadpool’s calls and deleting all his text messages, he finally gave in and texted Deadpool to meet him on top of the Empire State Building. He wondered if Deadpool would be able to get up that high and kind of hoped that he couldn’t.

The truth of the matter was that he could… after one hour of waiting. Deadpool was out of breath by the time he finally hauled himself up and rolled over onto his back.

“Suction cups… are a bad idea.”

“Are you copying me?” First the similar costume design and now climbing up walls by sticking to them.

“Who are-” Deadpool tilted his head to look at Peter, where he was leaning against the spire, and then was on his feet within seconds of emitting a high-pitched squeaking sound. “You’re Spider-Man!”

Peter was glad of his mask to hide his surprise.

“You’re so cool, dude! What are you calling me for? You don’t need training!”

Right, down to business. “No, I’m here to stop you from hurting anyone. Some gullible person might have picked up your flier and actually tried to become a hero.”

“Nah, you’re the only person who called. Except that lady who gave me your number- oops.” Deadpool smacked himself on the head and Peter almost laughed at that, but he couldn’t have Deadpool thinking they were friends or anything. This was strictly business. He needed to be cold and distant. This was not acceptable.

“I already know she did that.”

“Of course you do! You’re _the_ Spider-Man! Can I have your autograph?”

Somehow, from places unknown, Deadpool pulled out a Daily Bugle with Spider-Man on the cover and a pen. Peter did not want to know where he was keeping that… or how long he’d had it on him. But he couldn’t give that any attention, even if a small part of him was flattered. “Can you stop calling and texting me?”

He didn’t understand it, but somehow the eyes of Deadpool’s mask widened.

“Holy shit I have Spider-Man’s phone number.”

Crapbaskets. “Look, you have to stop. I have work to do.”

“But what if you had a partner?”

Peter shook his head, pushing off of the spire and walking toward the edge. “I don’t need or want a partner.”

“Aw, come on Spidey. You’re my idol.”

He stopped in his tracks. He was another hero’s idol? No, Deadpool said himself that he wasn’t a hero. “I’m flattered, but I work alone.”

Peter was fairly confident he looked somewhat cool swinging off the building after that. Even if it was followed by Deadpool crying out about needed a way to get off the building. He was a kind-of hero, Peter was sure he’d figure it out.

***

It turned out that meeting up with Deadpool was the worst mistake of his life. Somehow, on every patrol, Deadpool managed to show up. He called him relentlessly and texted him even more frequently - usually a string of incoherent emojis.

“He _likes_ you.”

“Gwen, this is your fault. If you hadn’t- what?” Gwen had stopped next to him on the sidewalk and was now holding her hand against her mouth to muffle her laughter. “What?” She nodded to the telephone pole in front of them. Peter’s nearly sank to the ground.

 _“SPIDER-MAN PLEASE ACCEPT ME AS YOUR PARTNER”_ , and in smaller print: _“in both superheroing and in life”_ , and in even smaller print: _“like dating and butt stuff.”_

Peter ripped the flier off the post and stuffed it into his bag. Gwen snorted and Peter pointed a finger at her. “Not a word.”

Gwen laughed the entire way to the library, only stopping when Peter’s phone rang before laughing even harder when he hit ignore. This was going to be a long study session.


End file.
